The Big House
Manhattan, NY
111 West 57th St., Unit 43
This $80,000,000 beach house in Florida is right up my alley. I'm a sucker for Italianate Architecture, and what's not to love about 17 bathrooms…unless you're cleaning them.
Other than the fact that it’s warm year round, the architecture is incredible, the food is delicious and it has some of the most spectacular beaches in the world, I have no use for Florida. Let’s face it…it’s still the Deep South, as evidenced by its terrible schools and its racist, criminal governor. If the governor had his way, hospitals would have to go back to treating people with leeches, and I have no doubt that Floridians would actually vote for that. Other than that, I can hardly wait to move there! After I get rich, that is, because this is not a state for poor folk. You’re either one of the Haves, the Have Mores, or the Have Nothings. Florida has managed to whittle its middle class down to a nub. But if you’ve got money, Florida is anything you want it to be. And I want it to be a house like this. What I’m not feeling is the 700 stairs sitting on the front of the house. Seriously, why? You’d think in a state dominated by seniors that builders would see stairs as a big “KEEP OUT” sign for people with disabilities.
Walk the Neighborhood
This house is so spectacular that there’s no getting to it with Google Maps. The trucks weren’t allowed to map it. The closest I could get you is to the front gate, which looks like it sits about a half mile from the actual house. Walk around if you like, but let me save you the trouble…there’s nothing there. This is one of those places where you can bone butt naked on the bedroom patio, because ain’t nobody gonna see you. They’re not gonna hear you either, so scream if you want to. God help you if you ever need to run to the neighbor’s house for help.